Napoleon Hill described his Invisible Counselors in Think and Grow Rich. I believe this is similar to a corporation’s Board of Directors to provide high level guidance to an individual. For this reason, I created my own Life’s Board of Directors to help guide my life. As did Mr. Hill, I give my Board of Directors a problem to resolve each night when I retire in hopes I can rely on their combined wisdom to provide some guidance which I may not be able to discover myself.

My directors are:

Napoleon Hill who studied the lives of the most successful 500 people in the country and wrote several books on his analysis.

Mark Twain who was a master story teller.

The combination of Gene Amdahl, Gene White and Jack Lewis who successfully built a company in a market controlled by a very successful competitor.

Steve Siebold who is a successful marketer and speaker and is willing to share his good fortune with others who are still developing.

Jesus Christ who embodied wisdom, leadership and compassion.

Dale Carnegie who taught us how to work with people.

Thomas Jefferson who was a great thinker, great leader, inventor and great leader.

Henry Ford who had the persistence to stay with a project until successful.
Thomas Edison who build a team of great minds and encouraged them to think in a way to solve problems.

I expect from this Board of Directors career, business, leadership, relationship and spiritual guidance. Perhaps in the future I will increase the number of people on the Board, as Napoleon Hill did.

Interesting to me is that Data, the android in Star Trek: The Next Generation created a similar Board consisting of Galileo Galilei, Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking (played by Stephen Hawking).

In the book 212: The Extra Degree, authors Mac Anderson and Sam Parker explain how at 211 degrees (F) the water at sea level is hot, but at just one more degree, 212°F the water boils and creates steam that can move a locomotive.

In our lives, many times just adding that little extra effort will make a difference between success and failure. I am sure that you can name many times you gave just a little extra effort and won, and you can probably name times you decided to back off, not continue with the extra effort, and you did not get the goal.

The problem is that the giving the extra effort or not becomes a habit. As we give that extra effort and we achieve success, we develop a self-esteem of being capable. When called upon to give another extra effort again, we are likely to do so. If we back off and do not give the extra effort, we will see ourselves as not being as capable, our self-esteem will define us as not worthy of great success, and we will find backing off easier each time we do it.

To continue the locomotive analogy, if the water remains at 211°F, and no effort is made to raise the temperature, the locomotive will just set there. If we give a little extra effort, the locomotive will start to move, giving a little more extra effort will make it move more, and finally, it is moving fast enough that it is easier to keep it moving than to stop it. Our giving a little extra effort is a habit.

Imagine two people, B and C, of equal ability and interests sitting side-by-side. An opportunity comes up and B puts forth a little extra effort but C does not. B moves a little forward. Then another opportunity comes up and B puts forth a little extra effort but again C does not. As this happens over a decade, B will be highly successful while C is not; the gap between them which started as a crack is now a chasm.

For specific examples of the different paths of B and C:
Example 1: B goes to college or tech school, C goes to work with a high school education.
Example 2: B studies for a test in school, C goes out with his or her friends.
Example 3: B takes on extra responsibility at work, C does only what he or she is paid to do.
Example 4: B writes a book or creates motivational DVDs, C watches TV.
Example 5: C does his best when faced with a challenge, B realizes that sometimes it is not enough to do your bests, sometimes you must do what is necessary.
Example 6: C develops friendships from her current social or work group, B develops friendships from the social or work group she wishes to join.

Each time you put forth a little effort, your locomotive moves a little more. Those little extra efforts are cumulative and over your lifetime will make a huge difference in your success.

The more you worry about losing your job, the more likely you will.

You have a certain amount of energy and mental cycles each day to expend at work or on work projects. The energy and mental cycles you expend complaining about or discussing problems with people who cannot fix them is energy that you cannot expand on your assigned tasks. When the company has to make a downward adjustment in staffing, managers will select:
a) the people who are difficult to get along with through their complaining and who disrupt others’ work, and
b) the people who are less productive. (In fact, I have seen cases where managers who did not have to cut staff did so when the opportunity presented itself just to get rid of negative employees.) If you ignore the negativeness at work and do your job you will fit in neither category and therefore, more likely keep your job.

Question: Doesn’t the company have an obligation to provide a good work environment? Answer: Yes! If you are in a position to correct the problems at work you have an obligation to do so. If you are not in a position to correct the problems, you are at least in a position to adjust your response to them. If you are not in a position to correct the problems, you have an obligation to:
1) present a report including an objective statement of the problem, the costs to the company, and a reasonable solution to someone who can fix the problem,
2) adjust yourself to fit the work environment, or
3) find more suitable employment.

If numbers 1 and 3 above are out of the question, and you are not in a position to fix the problems, then use all your energy to do the best you can in the environment provided. Look for the good (you receive a paycheck to take care of yourself and your family, you have health benefits, you are increasing your skills in preparation for a different job, etc.) The one constant in this world is that everything changes, and your company and job will change.

Now that we are over the hangovers, remembered where we parked our cars, and have broken most of our 2012 resolutions it is time to build some meaningful and well thought our goals for this year.

Start by looking at December 31, 2012, and ask, “What do I want to say about the year just past?” Is 2012 the year you transfer your book from your brain to paper? Is 2012 the year you change your business from money-going-out to money-coming-in? Is 2012 the year you win that coveted award?

Choose one goal. Write it down. Be specific. Remove all doubt about your ability. Remove all conflicting goals. Picture yourself completing your goal. Celebrate your success in your mind. Do each of the previous steps every day during 2012.

Create a plan to reach your goal. You may not know all the steps or even how to do some of the steps you know are required. Write them down anyway. As you start to execute your plan, the missing parts will come to you.

The important parts are: 1) be very clear about your goal and 2) start working toward it and do not stop.

Focus and Persistence! That is all that is necessary for success in 2012

A book review, very well worth reading.

Emotional intelligence for engineers is about doing the right things and also about not doing the wrong things. The book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There addresses this concept well.

Marshall Goldsmith works with people who are already very successful but who wish to take the next step in their success. His premise is, “You are a success because of the many things you do right; now let’s address the few things getting in the way of even greater success and quit doing them.” He discovers what those are with each client by doing a 360-degree feedback review.

He then lists 21 habits that get in the way of your success, 20 of which you should eliminate and one which you should control.

You can discover which of those habits apply to you by the 360-degree feedback review with input from your superiors, peers and subordinates. The question you ask is, “What could I do to become a better manager/leader?” Questions like, “What do you like about me?” or “What do you not like about me” are completely irreverent; you do not have to like your co-workers or boss but you do have to work well together.

You can also gather information yourself by listening and observing. Arrive at a meeting early and watch the people who come in after you. Do they take a seat near you or away from you? Do they greet you warmly, coolly or not at all? When someone is talking in a group, do they make eye contact you or with everyone but you? Make a list of everything people say about you for a day and they analyze it for a pattern; do this several days to see if a destructive habit emerges.

When you have that input – and accept it – go to everyone and apologize with, “I’m sorry for the way I did …” No explanation, no embellishment. Everyone must first recognize you see your faults. Asking for forgiveness is like hoping for a better past. What’s done is done. Look toward the future.

Of the 21 habits Mr. Goldsmith lists, probably each successful person has two or three that interfere with his or her success. Choose the one or two most egregious to work on first. Remember that it may take six months before your raters agree that you are a changed person.

Explain what you are going to do to fix the problem and ask for their help. Your subordinates may not trust you and be fearful of providing input, so make the statement of what you are trying to fix and ask for help weekly. It may take three or more times of saying it before people hear you and believe you.

A good incentive for both the people whose help you are soliciting and for you is to offer a $10 reward for each time they catch you falling back into your old habit. Be sure to have a lot of $10 bills on hand the first couple of weeks.

When someone calls you on your request for help, the only proper response is, “Thank you.” Do NOT explain or make excuses. Do not embellish.

The book goes into far more detail and gives rationale for the above. If this is of interest to you, get the book and study it. I found it easy to read and found that Marshall Goldsmith has a lot of relevant experience.

As engineers, we have to work with other people. As Emotionally Intelligent engineers, we must be able to work successfully with some very difficult people.

Most of us get along well with happy, sensitive and caring people. If you do that makes you at least average. To get along with difficult people will give you recognition that is well above average. Getting along with disagreeable or nasty family members, neighbors, co-workers, clients, vendors or strangers is a learnable skill that will make you a star.

The bad news: There are a few genuinely uncaring people in the world and they do not care about anyone but themselves. The good news: most experts estimate that fewer than 1% of the population fits this category. There is perhaps another 10% of the population that learned to mimic an uncaring behavior. The rest of the population will have bad days due to stress, illness, or having to deal with the aforementioned 11%.

The guidelines for all types are the same; how far you can go with each type may be different. With the genuinely uncaring, you may prevent open hostilities and even get them to agree on your current point, but each time you have to deal with them, it will be from the starting point. For those that are mimicking behavior, you may be able to get them to recognize a new way of doing business and in time get them to be more agreeable. For those having a bad day (or week or month) you may be able to help them out of their funk and get them back on track.

1st It is not about you; do not take it personally. The difficult person probably treats nearly everyone the same way; the problem is the difficult person.

2nd Respond, do not react to the behavior. If you drop to the level of the difficult person and behave as he or she is behaving, there are now two difficult people, each reacting to the other, with no possibility of resolution. Keep your own personality, stay above the fray, and choose your own actions. Be in control of yourself and you can better control the situation.

3rd Know your goals. What do you want to be the result of the conversation or interaction with the difficult person? If you do not know your goals, you do not know what direction to take, what to give in compromise and when to stop.

4th Remember that the difficult person is in fact a person with a lifetime of experiences and teachings that are different from yours. In his mind, he probably feels he is as right as you feel you are in your mind. Respect the person.

5th Before responding, maintain eye contact and smile. Be pleasant.

6th Always begin your response with an agreement or affirmation (but maintain your integrity). Repeat or paraphrase the other person’s points to show you have heard and at least to some extent understood them.

7th Use humor, if possible. Poke fun at points where you agree. Do not poke fun at the difficult person or his or her points.

8th Never, no matter how deserving, attack the other person or his or her abilities. Name-calling, labeling, taunts or physical violence will prevent any communication and bring you to the same level as the difficult person. Additional facts, a different method of approaching the problem, or new resources brought in may open a blocked conversation. Remember that a person convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

9th When all else fails, or when you recognize you cannot control yourself, get away – away from the person, out of the room, out of the house, or out of town. Leave the situation by excusing yourself, but do not make any negative comments about the person, conversation or problem. If you make any comments that you regret, when you go back to the difficult person, you start with an apology which validates the action of the difficult person, at least in his or her mind.

10th If you parted on a civil note, several days later send a card to the difficult person thanking them for sharing with you and how much you enjoyed your conversation. This will be appreciated by the people who were just having a bad day, will help soften-up the people in the 10% group and be ignored by the 1% group.

Following these guidelines will help you stay above the bickering and energy-robbing, time-wasting conversations with difficult people. You can stay in control of your life, choose your directions and even get the difficult people to work for your success.

On LinkedIn, Lisa asked what the most important social skill emotionally intelligent people have. From the over 1000 answers, there are probably 50 different skills or. I suspect that some people responded by listing the attribute that affected their relationship most recently. Some probably responded where they are weak, other responded where they see others are weak.

As an engineer, I see many engineers who need to develop their self-awareness and many others that need to develop social awareness. From counseling I do, I see people who need to work on self-mastery and others that need to work most on relationship building. There is no one most important skill for all, there probably is one set of skills that each person should work on and that will differ from person to person, and from time to time.

The important thing is to achieve balance in our emotional intelligence. To do that, evaluate your thoughts on the subject. Then ask people what you need to work on to be more socially effective. Evaluate what you are told; remember the people you ask probably understand Emotional Intelligence less than you do. Their input is not “the facts,” it is only another input. When you have distilled one or two skills from the input, work on developing those skills. After you become more comfortable with those skills, find another one or two skills to work develop.

A partial list of skills from The Emotional Intelligent Network question “What is the most important social skill that emotionally intelligent people have is shown below. There are many comments about the question being asked or worded wrong. That is for another comment later.

Skills listed:

Empathy
Self-regulation
Self-awareness
Love
Listening
Self-esteem
Non-judgmental
Liking people
Understanding
Assertiveness
Patience
Open
Approachable
Control
Active listening
Do not take things at face value
Be an inspiring role model
Hear and understand
Genuinely connected with others
Nonverbal automatic messaging
Trusting and trustworthy
A smile
Articulate language
Do not take things at face value
Gestalt
Pleasing body language
Belief in others
Situational understanding
Be present
Caring
Speak softly
Relate to others
Confident without being boastful or cocky
Sustain concentration
Sympathy
Character

5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

I just finished reading the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and found it to be amazingly easy to read, understand, and hopefully, apply. Mr. Chapman wrote it specifically for the relationship between spouses, but I found it could apply to working relationships. Some points may need to be modified, for instance where Mr. Chapman suggests saying, “I love you.” It may be inappropriate at work, but you may substitute the more appropriate, and equally effective, “I enjoyed working with you on that project.”

Mr. Chapman begins by pointing out that you need to treat the other person in their language, not yours which is probably different. How does your supervisor, co-worker or subordinate want to be treated? You can discover that by listening to what the person tells you bothers them, or by watching them and see what words or actions causes their eyes to light up, causes them to stand a little straighter, or causes them to work just a little bit more effectively. Then, you can speak to them in that language.

To become effective in this multiple language world, choose two or three people in your workplace, discover their primary language, and then for one month, connect to them each day at least once in their language. The next month choose two or three people who respond to a different language and connect to them at least once each day for a month. Continue this practice until you are comfortable communicating in each of the five languages.

Love Language #1. Words of Affirmation.

Some people live for recognition in the form of “atta-boys.” These are free, and for the people that speak the language of Words of Affirmation, they can be much more effective than pay raises or promotions. Everybody does something well, when you see it, tell the person specifically what you have observed.

Hurtful words, angry words or even words of correction can destroy a developing relationship. Keep your words kind and supportive.
If there is a conflict between your words and tone of voice, remember that the recipient will always put more weight to the tone, regardless of the words.

Love Language #2. Quality Time

Some people want quality time with you to learn who you are. If you call a meeting with someone, turn off you phone, blank your computer screen, and let others know you are not to be disturbed. Dedicate the time to the person you are meeting. If the other person calls a meeting with you, and you cannot block out all interruptions now, offer a different time when you can guarantee to be free.

To the extent appropriate, and to the extent desired by the other person, this is probably a time to have a meeting of emotions as well as logic. Be a human, not a myrmidon.

Love Language #3. Receiving Gifts

If one of your co-workers likes to receive gifts, it may work very well to organize a birthday party for him or her and have everyone provide an inexpensive gift, or everyone go together to buy an appropriate gift. If it is a group gift, do not communicate who gave (and therefore who did not) or how much each person contributed.
Other gift giving times may be if the person is getting married, had a baby, bought a new house, or for the year-end holiday season.
Giving gifts to people on different levels than you may be difficult depending on your current relationship. Giving your secretary flowers or candy may be correct.

The gift of a card would be appropriate in case of a loved one getting seriously ill or passing away.

Love Language #4. Acts of Service

Some people react very positively when you do something for them. If you are in a meeting, and someone who responds to acts of service had to do some research, or write a letter, you can offer to do the first draft.

My car got snowed in one night in a hotel parking lot. The next morning when I went out to the car, I saw that someone had cleaned the snow and ice off.

A co-worker rode his bicycle 20 miles to work one morning, and then it rained most of the afternoon and into the evening. I gave him a ride home even though it was out of my way. Years later, I rode my motorcycle to work and then it rained and a co-worker gave me a ride home – 17 miles out of his way.

All of us need help from time to time. If the person you selected has a primary language of Acts of Service, there are many ways you can speak to that person to actions.

Love Language #5. Physical Touch

Unfortunately, in the United States, our culture frowns on physical touching except handshakes between men (and sometimes between a man and a woman) and hugs between women. For those that respond primarily to physical touch, this may seem barren.

I remember one time not long ago when I was in the front lobby visiting a large company when one of the security guards saw me and gave me a hug. It pleasantly surprised me. We knew each other and had hugged on other occasions and had not seen each other for a while. I feel that the hug was not inappropriate because she was an employee of the company and she initiated the hug.

If you have a co-worker who responds positively to physical touch, a hug may be appropriated and appreciated for celebrations or sympathy. When playing sports giving a congratulatory slap on the back or a punch on the arm are appropriate. When working together on a corporate sponsored charity event such as “The Giving Tree” or “Feed the Hungry” it may be appropriate to give a hug to others on the committee that respond to physical touch.

Remember to communicate with each person in their primary love language, not necessarily yours.

Yesterday, Fredrick said to me, “My very emotional aunt’s feelings are frequently hurt over a normal remark that she feels slights her. You have to walk on eggshells around her. If she is demonstrating emotional intelligence I do not believe it is a very worthy goal.”

I responded to him, “Emotional Intelligence includes the ability to feel emotions. But it also means the intelligence to use those emotions, and the emotions of others for a mutual benefit.

“Overly emotional people are no better, and perhaps no worse, regarding emotional intelligence than stoic people who are no longer in touch with their emotions. Neither is a pleasure for others to be around.

“Your aunt probably feels that most people in the world are insensitive; that the world would be better if more people were as sensitive as she is. Maybe we could argue that on the other hand the world would be better if most people used their cognitive intelligence instead of relying on their emotions. Such a discussion may be fun, but it will not solve the immediate problem.

“The only person who can solve the problem is the person who feels the pain. And the only place that person can solve the problem is within him or herself.

“There are three possibilities here. Let’s take a look at each one.
1) “You, Fredrick, have a pain with your aunt’s behavior. You can make the pain go away by adjusting how you respond to her. Two ideas that come to mind quickly are a) learn to tolerate her emotions and b) avoid her. You do have the ability, of course implement either of those, or to discover other responses yourself.
2) “If your aunt realizes her problem, and wants to fix it, then you can work with her to help her recognize her emotions and then to learn to control her response to them. I would guess, without knowing more, that your aunt does not realize the problem lies within her but believes it is other people causing it. You cannot change someone who does not realize they want to change.
3) “You, and others, may drop hints that your aunt is being unreasonable in her expectations of others, that she cannot change the world, and she would feel better if she just accepted others as they are. This has a very small chance of working.

“If everyone started avoiding her, she would probably blame everyone for being unconcerned and selfish. She would become bitter.

“Emotional Intelligence asks two questions in situations like this: 1) who feels the pain and 2) does that person want to get rid of the pain? The answer is that if you feel the pain, only you can get rid of it and only by changing yourself. You cannot change others unless they want to change.”

Fredrick responded, “So, if I don’t like my aunt’s tender feelings, I have to change?”

“Yes, if you want to get rid of the pain.”

“I heard a message in there that I have to compare how much pain my aunt’s tender feelings cause me vs. how much pain it will take to adjust myself.”

“Yes”

“That’s not fair. She causes the problem. A lot of people agree with that statement. She should change.”

“Fair is a different blog. Emotional Intelligence only provides you the tools to respond to others in a manner that is mutually beneficial. It does not provide tools to manipulate or coerce others. ”

“Thank you, I will see how I can learn to tolerate her and speak without smashing those eggshells.”

Long ago our ancestors moved from hunters/gathers through the agriculture era, into the industrial era. We have moved through the information age and are entering a new era. I do not know what name will be applied to it, but I believe I can see where it is going.

The skills required for each era were different. The hunters/gathers required stealth and stamina, the agriculture era required physical strength, the industrial era required tolerance of monotony, the information age required high IQ. The new age will require high Emotional Intelligence and high Emotional Quotient. High IQ will be nice but it will be more important to stay current in your field.

The unemployment and underemployment rate is high now and holding. I believe it will go much higher and employers will demand more output from fewer employees. I believe that employers will discover it is more economical to higher contractors for the duration of a project and then let them go. For the next project they can hire the best possible contractor as needed at that time for as long as needed. The benefit for the employer is the ability to control burden employee costs to exactly match the immediate corporate needs.

Workers will have to study on their own to stay up-to-date in their career field. When hired, you will be expected to hit the ground running.

Workers that remain generalists (able to work in many different disciplines) will be looked at as entry level and will have trouble commanding a high compensation. In today’s world, employers may hire a few generalists and then move them around as necessary. In the future world, employers will hire experts in the field needed. This means that workers who want to command higher compensation, and be paid more days per year will have to be expert in a narrow niche (an inch wide and a mile deep).

This new world will give the workers much more freedom to work as much as they want, when they want and doing what they want. Of course, when they do not work, they do not get paid. And if they make bad decisions on what they want to do, they will not have much opportunity to work. But if you make a decision that is not career-enhancing, you can always make a new decision.

The job I did for most of my career did not exist when I entered the work force. It is now being off-shored to countries with educated workers who get paid far less than American workers. This cycle of creating a new field, then moving it off-shore will accelerate in the future as more countries develop the knowledge and skills to move into it. For the workers of all countries with a high cost of living (currently US, European countries, Japan; soon to be more), the price of getting paid is to keep up with or create the leading edge of your chosen field.